She has a t-rex face on a stuart little body.
I cant go down on him yet. All ive had to eat is olives and percocet. semen would only add to tomorow mornings discomfort.
and I'm going to name my autobiography "blow jobs with enthusiasm are the best"
I'm naming my autobiography "Reasons Not to Date Girls From Texas."
Threw up 3 times on the lawn mower and then proceeded to crash it into a tree root and break it.
Ordered weed last night from the delivery service, and who showed up...my old real estate broker. He said, "this is less stressful." Duh.
dinner is belligerent. she just poured the rest of the pitcher of margaritas into a take home box. people are staring.
we used a swiffer mop as a stripper pole.
also, I just found three random bruises on my knee. probably from when I was velcrod to the stairs
I only call her for sex and medical advice. She admitted she feels like a worried parent when her phone rings at 5 a.m.
she broke up with me the week she got divorced. maybe I should grab a beer with her ex
Apparently HR frowns upon current employees introducing themselves to the new employee as "Hi I'm sleeping with your cousin"
So I'm going to regale you with a tale of someone who went out, was fed way to many shots, got super wasted and now has a date with one of the security guards from the building but has no idea what his name is. That someone is me
I just watched videos of people getting puppies and crying, I cried too. Definitely still drunk
WEED BROWNIES! He put weed in my brownie mix! And he got it from YYYYOOOOUUUU!
Look at the bright side mom. After 20 years dad is still capable of surprising you!
Shut up Max.
God damn you Coronavirus! I'm jonesing I got the itch. I would fully satisfy a horse for some Taco Bell or Perkins. God help me I'm going insane but I definitely don't want to get sick.
Randomize
