I just came so hard I farted. Twice. Thank God I'm alone.
I'm just sayin. Is it sad that I spent my last dollar on a hamburger just to get a paper bag to huff out of?
I think the puke all over the side of my car actually improves its appearance.
I'm going to listen to christmas music to trick my body into cooling off.
She peed in the limo. She stood up and pulled up her dress and peed on the floor of the limo.
My pupils are so HUGE you can see into my soul from 2 miles away
I think I'm drunk at the airport. Oh the possibilities
The brazilian leg lock that the stripper put me in was definitely the highlight of the night
Today is all about not throwing up, where the fuck are my keys and does anyone know what happened to that guy in the panda suit my roommate had sex with last night.
Wait. You NEVER used a Dizzy Doodler pen as a vibrator?!?
And my nipple is sore from him biting it. That is not a complaint.
Two words: blizzard sex
I've had sex near too many of the blankets to let our parents touch them like this
Ur creepiness is now affecting my life and I'm not okay with it
just got back. in my inebriated state i broke an ugly lamp and was sent to the store (still drunk) to get a new one. just spent last half hour in isle 3 of dollar general surounded by more ugly lamps and trying not to throw up on each and every single one.
Randomize
