So drunk its hurt
so i texed my mom when i was trashed last night and said "i know its 3 am, just go to bed and i'll be back by the time we leave for the airport"
i asked a few people if they wanted to make pancakes with me but no one would. thats why i'm drunk by myself right now
burritoes are like sleeping bags for ground beef
As soon as the judge read that I rear ended the car from getting roadhead he chuckled. You know he's been there before.
I am not one to point fingers but since it says your name "wuz here" next to the dick drawn on my stomach I am holding you personally responsible.
I'm paying a homeless guy $20 to follow me around bars tonight with a boombox playing the theme to Rocky.
You tried feeding my python vodka through a funnel. Fuck off.
it's a "shave your legs in the cvs bathroom" kind of night
I am still sore from last night. I can't wait for you to meet my parents.
I was changing in front of my window and my neighbor text me saying, "nice pubes."
You know you threw a brownie at my head last night. And said you did it to defend the turtles honer....
Hella random but just hear me out...A bar that is a petting zoo. Bitches love petting zoos.
I think I met my butt stuff soulmate
She puked in the bed, peed in the closet, and woke up on a Rubbermaid in the closet under the stair case
Randomize
