Told my mom a bit ago she'd meet you tonight
Um...??
She's excited
They threw me out of the bar because I was arguing business ethics with the owner of th bar
Thank GOD those kids were having a lemonade stand, I didn't have anything to wash down my plan b with.
He was banging holes in the kitchen wall with pots. They tried to pull him away but only managed to pants him. He kept "drumming".
Why is the word 'best' written on my chest?!!
You have to come over we all bought drinking hats. Mine has a turtle on it. Side note: somehow someone got their hands on 50 candied apples and we need to eat them...
Pretty sure the cab driver can even smell the sex coming from between my legs
You're on Grindr at the STD clinic. I love you.
However today I got my lube that might I add was dripping out of the box. I'd like to think my mailman was mixing business with pleasure.
Come over. I've made 2 dinners and so many cocktails. I'm a 50's housewife with no family.
He's a loser but she says we just don't see the good stuff about him. It's like she's dating the Charlie Brown Christmas Tree.
he had shaved armpits. I repeat: HE SHAVED. HIS. ARMPITS! First hookup of 2014 and it's with a weirdo. Alcohol:1 Me:0
my ex logged me out of his netflix so im gonna fuck his bestfriend as revenge
Dude \nSo embarrassed \nJust sent a snap to my boss john and noticed my vibrator was right beside me
U sent me lyrics to wind beneath my wings
My liver misses your liver
Randomize
