I woke up this morning and was hoping we drank enough last night to have a unicorn drawn on my wrist. Good News: We did.
My breakfast consisted of a slimfast and an adderal. My fridge is like an insecurity buffet.
Skipped a towel and decided to spit the cum into his face. I now owe him new contacts.
I'm going to make him fall in love with me one blow job at a time.
This adderall has me convinced I'm an Econ major.
dude chill. we stole 18 hamburgers from her house
no. you cant fuck a burger.
She seriously pointed at the couch and asked me if she could "ride the talking giraffe". I'll never serve everclear again.
Oh you know same old same old. just eating pizza after faking extreme night terrors to get a one night stand to leave my apartment
Probably yeah. I mean maybe one day we can be those friends that hang out naked. Not awkard at all.
I woke up missing my shoes and my left eyebrow. MY. EYEBROW.
This guy on tinder just told me that he wanted to tie me up and asked me what I thought. I told him I wanted tacos
We walked 3 miles to the strip club. Stopped for roadies, it wasn't that bad.
Wtf happened last night
You traded your bra for a shot so I'd say you probably don't wanna know
I am downtown smoking a joint with Woody Harrelson...Because our car won't start. I will be there as soon as I can.
Got a blowjob while watching James Bond's "Octopussy." My 13 year old self would be so proud
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