Come home. Im drunk and cutting my own hair. This is bad, i need you.
so i'm sitting in his room drinking tequila from the bottle and watching harry potter. he's jacking off to some porn a couple feet away from me. at one point i look over and see that he's watching me instead of the porn. please help me figure out how warped it is that i found that romantic
I just googled "semen solvent" and got nothing. there has to be something that will wash this shit off!
I see a marketing opportunity
Just got my period. I'm not pregnant with Scott's child and I won't be having any sex tonight. This must be what they mean by bittersweet.
we were spooning and you were the big spoon but you insisted that I call you "the ladle"
i called my brother from the living room and paid him a dollar to turn off the light in my room. ive hit rock bottom
I'm finding that as the end of the quarter approaches, the list of things I refuse to do sober keeps getting longer.
In preparation for st patty's day I finally had a shamrock shake, and I invested in an app that will apparently keep me from drunkenly texting you pictures of my tits this weekend. Please let me know if you want to not be put on the "forbidden" list!
I told him if he went to see magic mike with me I'd cover his eyes during the penis parts
I HOPE YOU ENJOY THIS VDIEPO BECAUSE I AMS ENDIONG A LOKT OF EFFORT RECORIDNG IT
I ONLY PARTIALLY KNOW WHAT YOU SAID. BUT I THINK I WILL LIKE IT.
I effort
I feel as if we moved beyond the hook up stage when she blew me as I drunkenly finished my chicken nuggets.
I'm shaved like a Brazilian hooker right now.
I have the flu.
I don't give a shit
Sometimes you've gotta crawl to stay concious
We might as well just set our livers out to sea on burning ships
I hate political talk. I just wanna get fucked into an alternate universe where Bernie Sanders is president.
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