my professor just told me i smelt like a brewery infront of my whole class b4 my final presentation
My dog fell asleep in his puke last night. He's only 5 weeks old and has more in common with my friends than I do.
I feel like our bond is deeper now that we're both sleeping with married men. now we're really bffls
i just recognized the girl sitting across from me from a lesbian porno... should i ask for an autograph?
Sophomore year, I fucked on your desk chair. I'm sorry. I love you.
Same here... Well I was planning on having some sort of deep conversation, but looking at how grim of an outlook tomorrow has on you, I'll just re-inform you that I have your pants.
This is a pre-sorry for hitting on and then sleeping with you're ex
Holy fuck, spaghetti burritos are the best idea I've ever had.
Im otw to class. I was at the Library. Just past three girls with a bottle of tequila playing dizzy bat.
This guy randomly got in our taxi, and has now collapsed on the sofa anouncing that he's staying the night.
Cant wait to drunkenly tell by kids that i banged their aunt katie in a weird threesome
The engagement ring savings account is now the strippers and gin savings account. What are you doing tonight?
I also don't hate being called a giant sack of cheese. Is that weird?
How do you politely tell someone to get out of your house in Russian
all i'm saying is don't blame me if your purses are filled with whoppers
are we talking malt balls or BK?
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