There's a woman at Starbucks that keeps pushing her stroller into me.
Punch her baby.
You screamed 'pound me, you big thick stud.' I looked around for porn cameras.
Shut up. I did not.
I really wish I was making that up.
i got us presents. or arrested. we shall see!
we used that portable toilet as a cooler to keep coronas. next person who tells me hospitals arn't fun needs to come party in rm 180.
Note to self: don't jizz on a surface cleaned with Tilex. It WILL turn purple.
Me and my vagina aren't speaking at the moment.
Step 1: drink. 2: drink more. 3: go for it. 4a: success. 4b: drink more. 5. drink. 6. go for other girls. 7. drink more. Sound good?
Seriously you have a sixth sense. You woke up out of a nap to tell us all to check the clock and it was 4:18. You're like the spiderman of smoking weed.
That sad moment when even your drug dealer lands a summer internship and you don't...
I ended up in a bathroom giving my hymen a pep talk
I just made out with Ricky Ullman of Phil of the Future fame and I don't know what I'm doing anymore. Help.
I just drove by a stop sign that had a used maxi pad stuck to it WHAT THE FUCK
I told him he could fuck me in his Notre Dame jersey if they won and he never texted back. What is this world coming to
Well I'm half drunk in a green tutu at a chipotle. So pretty good parade.
Got so high i fell asleep kyaking...for 2 hours.
Randomize
