fucking a dude
i mean: fucking a, dude
wow, that comma made all the difference there
when I picked him up he smelled like cheeseburgers, had a bite mark around his left nipple and we think someone stabbed him in the forehead with a pencil... it was like the Hangover meets Texas Chainsaw Massacre
I woke up to a text that said, "I can see you but can't get in." It was the pizza delivery guy who saw me passed out drunk on the floor through the front door.
I'm sick of being the only unemployed member of the group. Doing things alone isn't partying. Its sad.
Currently playing beer pong versus the girl i lost my virginity to.....and her mom
I was trying to climb into what I thought was a bunk bed.. Turns out it was just a cabinet under the sink in a bathroom
In other news there is a guy at my office who I'm pretty sure will be wearing someone's skin as a coat one day.
I don't want to flatter myself but after the way he was looking at me today I think it might be me.
I just googled "can they trace a vibrator back to you" so that' s how my life it going.
Easy. Go to walmart, buy a bag of charcoal. everyone gets a present and it's cheap.
You can't do wine Netflix and blow jobs in the bed you've had since 5th grade with your parents downstairs
If it involves notarization or the Misfits, I am up to date. Anything else, I know fuck-all.
Im sorry you'll never get the feeling of closeness when you go to pee outside and you realize you're peeing right where someone else just peed
It seems I've entered my 21st birthday the same way I entered this world: naked, crying and smothered in someone else's bodily fluids...
All i want from a relationship is to get drunk watch pirates of the Caribbean and have sex
It's a testament to the kinds of spouses/parents we will be that we get so wasted but still show up to every class on time. We honor our commitments bitches!
Randomize
