Small dicks are the new regular sized dicks.
Going to spend my cab money on more shots and just take the ambulance home
I love my grandma, but if I have to sit and watch one more show on Bravo, I'm gonna burn her fuckin house to the ground
I kept waking up & seeing my Goodfellas poster and thinking it was a window with people crammed against it staring at me.
I guess the lighting in my room made it look like they were moving. I remember telling myself that they were watching over me and protecting me from the cops
you went up to their shower, tripped in it, accidentally turned it on and then claimed that you like to "test everyone's showers"
$1 margaritas. This happy hour needs to end.
After he came all he could say was how great the lighting fixtures where in my apartment.
He just grabbed my boob and justified it by saying "I just wanna feel your heart beat"
Who would've thought that Monopoly night would've ended with some girl peeing on the couch.
Im invoking the "no judgements" clause of our friendship.
My god, what have you done?
sorry I blacked out our whole relationship
Hey, Would it be ok if me and your wife have a ladies only night and masturbated on FaceTime together?
when i woke up with 300+ messages I didn't except them to be about coyotes and burning shoes.
how drunk are you?
Several
I just woke up, dressed as Chris Brown, with a bunless hot dog (presumably from 7/11) in my pocket, wearing a pair of shoes I don't recognize as my own. Help.
Randomize
