yep. he's not circumcised. how did it take me six months to realize THAT?
Hey, my drug test is at 4:15 tomorrow. I'll meet you 5 minutes later.
Idk what else to talk about besides you paying for half of my vaginaplasty.
The lifeguard told us we had to move Mike before the tide came in when he passed out.
I think god is proud of me so he is rewarding me in discounted wine
when the officer asked him if he had been drinking, he just goes, "yeah, you?" then falls onto the table.
Next time you think about divorce, consider this: a hot guy just walked in and I tried to suck in my back fat.
he can get married early and ruin his life but he sure as hell isn't ruining mine with a shitty bachelor party
You're finding a boat, I'm going to sleep with a guy that lives above a bar and has 24 hour access. We are really nailing this adulting thing
Well my normal tinder strategy of "Will I have sex with her when I'm sober" has been paying off
So I bought that bathing suit yesterday and got buyers remorse so I returned it today and then stole it. Win win.
Also, if you don't fuck me soon, I will die. I don't want to die like that.
Guy in my class today said, "I'm pretty sure you think about beer 95% of the time."
You're lucky I just like fucking you because you would really suck at being a boyfriend.
HER BOYFRIEND CAME HOME WHILE WE WERE GETTING IT ON IN THE SHOWER
At least you smelled nice while he kicked your ass.
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