Im already sauced. Have been for hours. Its kinda my thing.
i just threw up a quarter into the urinal in the bathroom at the bar. everybody else stared then cheered. that drunk
we found him in the shower with a bottle of jose saying "this is Mexico's fault"
I smell like Captain Morgan and tears
i'm having flashbacks of crying and telling you i was made out of egg salad.
why is my underwear the only thing i was wearing that smells like vodka?
I never thought the first time a taser would be used on me would be at an applebees
You couldn't find your shoe so you introduced yourself as Cinderella for the rest of the night.
Ahh that explains the text from creepy mike saying he would be my prince charming.
Yours weakened by children. Mine weakened by a forearm sized cock for 8 years.
Trying to convince myself that everyone keeps staring at me because I'm pretty and not because of my hickies.
There's a mechanical bull in the basement dude where are you
He let me keep my Michael Jordan Bulls jersey on during sex.
The only thing that got me through this hellish day was imagining a large Swedish penis inside of me.
What did your vagina DO during the nhl lockout?!
Americans.
He showed up with a hearse full of beer and is currently shooting pumpkins with a flare gun. Who gives a shit if he's a furry. We need to party with him more often.
She woke up, mumbled "the trees" When i asked her what about them, she yelled "WE NEED THEM FOR OXYGEN," Then went back to sleep.
We need to get on her level.
Randomize
