census says that i am hotter than the girl you just left with...sad for you
maybe i'll see you again later :)
I'd rather shit a knife.
For sure. We should see if we can get Mike to pay for one, and have a triple kegger... :o==& (that's future me projectile vomiting. i try to be goal oriented)
Ok, so for future reference, in Rome, "piano bar" means "brothel".
He tried to make eye contact, he should know by now that freaks me out
Jesus Christ, she just started playing Enya and is humming along to it. Way, way, way too hungover to deal with her shitty taste in music
the cops who came hadnt heard yet. when we told them they sang the star spangled banner with us
Dude, she got on top of me, grumbled in a low voice "I'm going to make you remember me", and then farted.
When a best friend shows up on a tricycle with a case a beer and goes "get on loser" you get on, because there is a magical adventure afoot
She said she had a surprise for me and sent me a video of her having sex with some fat dude. It was a mood killer
We had sex on roll out bean bag chair, and then proceeded to sleep with a blanket with dolphins on it. Happy birthday to me.
My name will be tattooed on his ass by sunday.
So you've been sexting me while spending time with your family
I'm a family man but I have priorities
sober me thinks like you do. drunk me needs sober me's advice. am i allowed to go to his house?
I don’t know how you celebrated 4/20 but I set a Payless trash can on fire
Randomize
