It saddens me that girls will never know the wonder feeling of pulling your sweaty nutsack off of your leg.
sounds like you fell off the wagon.
fuck falling off. at this point, the wagon is a dot on the horizon.
My mom just walked in on me and my girlfriend about to have sex. All she said was "You're lookin like a fool with your pants on the ground.."
I was totally going to sleep with him, until he got naked and started swinging around his boner singing "I'm so hard. oh yeah yeah yeah, I'm so hard" like Rihanna.
I never want to hear the words 'my therapist says . . . ' while naked again.
I can't believe all the places I got into shoeless last night. Apparently no one will say no to a girl covered in paint with a ripped shirt
I took my shirt off and stood in the kitchen for an hour and a half talking to his parents about my tattoos
I wish I could walk around this campus with a big stamp that says "Approved" and just stamp girls asses as they pass.
I threw up on my way to work while listening to "the good times are killing me". this award goes to modest mouse for creating the most poetic puke ever
Idk, you were a drunk pirate that kept stealing pieces of people's costumes to keep as your booty.
That would explain all the random shit in my room...
Though I don't usually want to turn down ladies who want to liquify my clothing with their eyes, I made an exception.
We took vodka shots. You kept saying it was the key to your heart.
I literally have anal toys soaking in the bathroom sink and dinner on the stove. If that doesn't scream "domestic goddess", I don't know what the fuck does.
I think I've done enough damage with my vagina as of late, thank you
Totally writing my paper on the toilet. Makes me miss you.
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