Multitasking record: pooping whilst putting on shoes and cleaning ear with q-tip. All while texting.
Update: fell off toilet, one shoe on, q-tip still in ear. Not a pro.
i think the fact that he graduated high school the year i graduated elementary school is sexy.
I swear god or herbie drove my car home
And for 6 straight hours, I laid on my bedroom floor trying to convince myself it would perfectly acceptable to pee on my own floor
Just so you know, I'm standing in my bra eating cereal. My keys were in the cereal box.
She has a facebook friends list called oops. theres 33 people in it. she said its all the guys she regrets fucking.
to whom it may concern. if i am dead in colleens bed it is not her fault i slept in my scarf. my dads middle name is ronald.
i just wrote an ode to an enchilada dorito. i'll need that pregnancy test now please.
Let me tell you the story of bicurious george
I gave the bathroom attendant $5 last night for turning the sink on for me. What. The. Fuck.
I got my eyebrow ring humped out. How is that even possible?
You know you're doing well in life when weed is considered to improve your job performance
I saw seagulls fucking earlier today. What have you done with your life recently?
I kinda wanna drive through the Gator bar parking lot and seeing if my panties are on they ground, they should be right next to my pride...
Its like Gods punishment for wanting to party
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