you dont know how to answer ppls txts anymore?!?
im sorry, i don't get text messages.
you dont remember trying to break dance in the middle of the casino floor on ur own throw up?
oh that explains alot.
fuck yea just found my unicorn costume from when i was 8... still fits
I'm returning our mountain of beer cans, while wearing a Budweiser sweatshirt. i don't look like an alcoholic.
There is a limo involved. Man up, and make yourself puke. Its only one more night of blacking out.
An there's a little girl across the bar eating Mac n cheese... #1 she won't stop looking at me. Boo bitch I'm drinking alone. #2 I'm about to tackle her ass for that Mac n cheese.
I really care about you, but im still gonna have to make you pay for dinner from the pain and suffering in my knees and vagina.
I think the saddest part about my sex life is that most of it is pity sex.
Happy you have kids and I don't day!
Getting "I couldn't find the front door so I climbed in through window" drunk seems to be a habit of yours
And he's in a frat. Everyone in a frat is gay. It's science.
you do realize the next step is naked mud wrestling, right?
i got woken up by a cockroach crawling onto my hand and now i'm pretty sure i'll never be clean again
It's so weird fucking this kids aunt then going to the gym with him everyday, but my sick minded self loves it.
Any who, I expect to be showered with roses apon my arrival
How about beer and nachos?
A fine substitute!
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