Thank god i puked near the cancer center. makes me look like a chemo patient
You can't have your penis and eat it, too.
Guys, right now i need a picture of a squirrel, preferably with one of you guys but not necessary.
Just realized I lost my social security card...maybe someone else will do something with my life
Woke up in an unfamiliar pair of underwear, running shoes but no socks, and a cowboy hat. Thank you crown royal
Sometimes I think I have so much sex with you to be sure you're actually straight.
Maybe I can find a straight girl rehab camp, like the opposite of those degaying camps, where they teach me how to love the ladies instead
Omg. I would pay ALL OF THE MONEY for that camp.
I'd do them all but honestly I'm so high that I probably should have a chaperone.
Sorry this is the worst night of your life and that you're being a baby about it.
She is 6 months pregnant and gets more action at bars than I do.
I don't know where I keep finding these guys, but mi power bottoms es su power bottoms.
he answered his phone during sex and left to go help that drama queen with her latest bullshit. I'm drinking all his vodka. it's asshole tax
Ohhhhhh, that night......I need to stop drinking, almost all of my conversations that take place Wed thru Sun after 8:30 are one blurry haze.
I can’t tonight. I’ve got to see about a penis
It took me years of patience and pilates and yoga and flirting to land that penis. So yeah, I’m going to ride it into the sunset and live orgasmically ever after
Randomize
