I wish you wouldn't refer to your breast milk as "ammunition"
she asked me if I wanted a handjob on the haunted mansion ride at Disney. was I suposed to say no?
i really did not know you could catch crabs from a sofa until now
i think the date started going downhill when i mentioned how many therapists i have
Just orgasmed in traffic. Starting to have feelings for my commute.
I want to break up with him.....but he has a george forman grill...like I need that
We've completely outdone ourselves. We packaged a collective total of six grams of pot and salvia into little bowl-sized tinfoil capsules. It's totally impossible to tell which is which without comparing, every Friday from now on we pick one out and see what the fuck happens
Guess the answer to the last 2 texts right and you'll get a boob shot tonight. Guess wrong and it will be a picture of a used, boogery kleenex.
I pulled some girls weeve trying to pull the stop cord on the bus
I've known you for the past two years. You never kid about biology or alcohol.
I need to stop drinking alone, I wrote a love letter to my tattoos
My crowning drunk achievement from that night was donating $5 to the Obama campaign.
You're perfect
We did a lot of coke and Bedazzled the couch. It seemed like a good idea at the time.
fucked a girl in the dry storage closet at work. knocked over a whole rack of tomato paste and pinto beans. and also i really hope my manager doesn't review this footage from the security camera
I guess you could say that.. I mean, we did walk in on our DD doing a keg stand thru her ass.
Randomize
