she said if she won the lottery she'd fuck me... isn't that like government funded prostitution?
So i told him he was the 3rd i have ever slept with and then i found out he had actually slept with 5 other girls besides me. And his reply was well your number one on this hand.
Bible prof is the guy I made out with at the gay bar on the fourth. He doesn't remember.
Dude, this is like the 4th time today I've had to use cruise control for a 25mph zone. This hangover is never fucking gonna end.
All i want to do is drink fuck and cry... you dont have to cater all three its more like the saddest choose your own adventure ever
i don't know if this is a cannibal joke or a sexual innuendo, and i think that's a beautiful description of our relationship.
Also, if he asks how he's doing orally I can probably ask if we're exchanging Christmas presents?
is there a way to say "yea i broke my wrist cause i fell down some stairs while tripping my face off on acid" without actually saying it?
It's funny when you can't take a fishing boat because you fucked the captains wife
But Keith is doing MDMA for New Years and he's 39.
Keith has a beautiful 20 year old girlfriend, a good job and a cute puppy. We can't all be Keith.
But I want to be Keith.
Woke up with an entire pizza face down in my bed beside me... untouched. Never beer bong a whole bottle of wine.
The cop took you back from the hospital and the lady at the front desk said "how are you doing cal?" You said "how do you know my name?" she responded "you're the only person i've ever seen that can throw up in your back pocket." Skills dude.
I wish I was there so i could bitch slap his incredibly sexy face
Just found a pair of vomit-soaked socks in my purse, three days after the party... Now I know why my wallet was wet.
there is a tent in the living room. its a vip tent room. i want in.
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