I need a shot of tequila, and quick death
was stoked on phone sex until he started reciting lines from star wars
At the doctor. They're doing a flu test now. He was like "where do you think you got this?" I said "bachelor party. Strippers." he goes "okaaaay I'll put 'other'."
I may have a concussion but the symptoms are the same as a hangover so I can't tell. Best 21st ever.
I am drinking at a movie theater seeing a children's movie, 2nd time this week
I'm dying. The alcohol is viciously exiting my tiny body.
I want a bottle of whiskey to be dropped at my doorstep like a stork drops babies when they are delivered to their parents.
God what have you done to be that much in need of alcohol.
Me WANTS my preciousssssssssss
Why do you have an empty bottle of port in your bathroom bin?
I just realized that every possible way I walk to campus I walk by the house of someone I slept with
So from zero to dumpster fire, how shitty do you feel this morning? I'm hovering somewhere around trainwreck.
I just realized now that I slept with him while he was still wearing the maid costume... I've reached a new level of sexual freakness.
You've got the chocolate, drugs and my pants. You hold all the cards...
I had Mac n cheese made with weed butter last night. Epic
just licked the cheese off a burger. that high.
Are you coming over for scrambled eggs and hand jobs?
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