I'm drunk in f*****g wisconsin and want to kill myself.
If it's any consolation, be grateful that you're not in New Jersey.
I spent a large portion of the night trying unsuccessfully to keep hayley (who was wearing a dress and no underwear) from doing handstands, but yea it was fun. the boys had fun
we went through the mcdonalds drive through and you asked for a free sample of their fries to see how you liked them.
he busted in while i was showering looked at me and said "youve lost weight bro, no homo" and started puking into the sink
I mean how do you tell a nurse in the ER that you dislocated your knee giving a blowjob to your boyfriend.
Very innocently.
It was more like a tour de entire bottle of wine in 14 minutes
I just threw out a whole Christmas ham, 12 positive pregnancy tests, 3 empty vodka bottles and by ex boyfriends Latina porn collection in the same garbage bag. The homeless person who goes through the bins tonight knows I have nothing left to loose.
i told her i wanted to be the Neil Armstrong of her vagina,
In a bar surrounded by couples hooking up. I'm just staring at one. Not drunk enough. Come save me.
I just walked out topless, stared his brother straight in the eye, and ate all the rest of their cookie dough.
Men are too sensitive. They need to learn to handle me.
Watching Supernatural does more for me sexually than the physical encounters with 90% of the men in my life.
Started mixing booze directly into the 2 liters and carrying them around. Mixing less often, and now kind of weightlifting,so double effecient.
Can u pick me up? Lost my keys.
Sure. FYI- you "lost" them on the roof, trying to throw them over the house.
I woke up with your bra on, and some guys boxers. I'm in a random truck, in the middle of nowhere...
Randomize
