So we've decided on 'hamburger' as your code for tonight. If you add ketchup or fries, we know the threat level has escalated.
there is this woman at the counter who looks identical to linda ellerbee. and she's grinning. COME. INSIDE. NOW.
Any time you start making pro wrestling references before 10 PM I know that I'm breaking up a fight between you and some muscled up frat boy you call Hogan.
She told me to "stuff her hole like a build-a-bear". I was so drunk I didn't even think that was weird.
you kept going on about how you couldnt haven been the one throwing up because you were peeing in circles.
Just explain how I got from the bar to a house I've never been in, waking up to a cop in uniform ripping a bong
We were having an argument with his friends mom about whether it was worse that he bootycalled me at 4 a.m. or that I bootycalled him at 12 in the afternoon
Using the random money I found in my bra from Halloween to pay to print my bio notes. I only brought a debit to the bar. College win.
Emergency nipple ring removal:vodka, tweezers, and vodka. Can you bring me a band-aid?
This is the fourth day in a row I woke up with cheetos spread around me in a ritual pattern..this weed is unreal
It's a sad day when ur phone automatically updates u on Thursdays that traffic is normal and how long it will take to get to the bar
That's fucking great actually
Oh. My. God. I. Am. Going. To. Punch. Someone. In. The. Face. Immediately.
Question: how does one descretely ask the ice cream truck driver thats out at 10:00pm if he sells weed?
That guy u hooked me up with kept calling me james while were doing it...
I climbed on the arm of the futon, flapping my hand fan frantically and hissing imprecations at the smoke detector
Randomize
