even my farts smell like vagina
dear vagina, thank you for making it so goddamn hard to get pregnant. i love you.
Should I be curious about Jeffrey randomly sending me a picture of him holding a crab, or just move on with my life?
I like that we make it a requirement to howl at the moon every time we get drunk together.
TOMORROW NIGHT CAN I HOLD YOU LIKE A BABY
HOLY SHIT HE'S TRYING TO EAT HIS FOOT. THIS IS THE BEST DAY OF MY LIFE.
I just told him that with every paper, I'd take a picture of myself with one less piece of clothing. Who say's I can't be a tutor?
don't you dare blame getting arrested on me. you sugested we play the penis game and we all know I'm a strong competitor
You're asking your pregnant booty call to go to a funeral with you?
That rando I gave head to on the beach just endorsed me on LinkedIn for Oral Communication Skills. So there's that.
Maybe I'm nitpicking, but that looked more like how one would jerk off an elephant than it did playing air guitar.
He was licking my ear while recommending that I shop at IKEA. I think he's my perfect guy.
Ill try not let guys feel my boobs for free drinks next time, no promises tho. I am my boyfriends worst nightmare.
We were totally high while having sex, I told him fast or slow, just follow your balls. That was a show stopper.
I have serious attachment issues. I just realized how long its been since ive smoked out of my bong and I feel guilty for dis owning it this week
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