So, I'm pretty sure I just jacked off and my gf 17 m/o son caught me. IDK how long he was standing in the crib, but he definately saw the grand finale.
Stop bringing these fucking whores home with you. If I have to fight over the remote with a bleach blonde idiot wanting to watch the hills reruns one more time I'm pissing in your shampoo.
omg. he's a virgin strip club employee who's going to college on a ping pong scholarship. this is unreal.
In case you're keeping score at home, this is Brad's SECOND Doritos-related trip to the ER.
I thought my period ended but I felt it again as soon as Pitbull started playing
He was in the middle of making out with two girls at once, but then the guy next to me said "I feel like I'm watching Animal Planet" he stopped to give him a high five
It's not really the holidays until I raid the medicine cabinet. Happy hydrocodone to me
And a merry methadone to all
Also, rendered a whole bar silent last night when I told a guy to take off his panties and take a shot out of my cleavage. Video to follow...
No I need this job. I actually contemplated buying a vibrator with my dad's credit card the other night.
orgasmnado...tomorrow night
That's what I'm talking about
I woke up hugging my purse and I found a business card in my underwear. How?
I completely forgot I gave up beer. But airports don't count. They're like international waters. No rules.
It's not even noon and I've had 3 people call me a savage, one of them said it in reference to the blow job I gave them. So I guess you could say it's going to be a good weekend
Unfortunately i'm awake, hungover, and covered in something I'm pretty sure is Easy Cheese. Send help.
Idk why more people don't drink at work ... i mean, yeah, the cash might be off tonight, but my customer service is fucking phenomenal right now
Randomize
