Charged a drink to your name last night. Thanks for the whiskey
I feel like death. Did you die last night?
Nope. Ready for round 2. Fiesta!
unreal. Greatest comeback since Jesus
do you want me to make hamburgers?
i'm vegan
i'll put lettuce on them
i just keep taking vicodin and supergluing random shit
Shit, I may have left some acid in your bathroom last night. Has he been in there lately.
Was that your vagina? Received a text pic from a number I didn't recognize. Shaved, so no hair color cues. But it looked like your lips.
He's grinding topless with a group of girls to that discovery channel song. May I take a message?
1 tequila 2 tequila 3 tequila, floor.
*roof
You stared at the ground for like 20 minutes willing yourself to get sober
Showed up physical therapy hammered. The therapist just says this isnt part of the program.
There is a high possibility I will pass out with my hand in a bag of Doritos
Are cops allowed to hit on you if they're in uniform?! Serious question.
Seriously. If I'd known all it took was a 29 year old UPS guy to make me feel THIS SEXY, I'd have been fucking them for 30 years.
She gave me a roadie as we drove home from fireworks. People were still lighting off their displays as we drove by. I love America.
His dick has the same name as my pipe. I'm keeping him forever.
Randomize
