OMG Im so trashed fishy! im sitting hereon my bed wif mcdonalds n i look like david hasselhoff!!!!!! kill me now
I didn't shave. On purpose
I'm home now. bring me food and boobies
You were wearing a sombrero. And a crown. And told me to use the nerf gun to protect your room from the cat. You don't have a cat.
Found a phone last night. Hope "daddy" gets picture messages
It says i should accept HIV aids as my friend on facebook.We have 12 friends in common. I need new friends.
I just puked in a penis shaped cake pan. I've hit an all new low for a Tuesday.
Whatever. We're stealing a penguin. Your not allowed near him... You did this to yourself.
#1 benefit of having an equality sticker on my car: some girl flashed me while i was driving home
Are you having sex right now? Or is the apt just swaying rhythmically on its own? Either way, awesome.
Where are you? I hear fireworks and you've gone missing. I'm sure that is not coincidence.
Bang-toberfest begins!!
I used a jello pudding cup as a shot chaser last night. I'm the Bill Cosby of alcoholics
I lost a bet last night, now I have to name the baby Fetty Wap, regardless of gender. Riley is going to kill me.
Fuck you. I've got onesies to keep me warm at night. And this bottle.
Randomize
