ohhhh fuckk. chicks a dude.
dude facebook disabled my account because im registered under a false identity. now in order to get it back, i have to prove that it's really my name. i sent them an email and had to sign it "Cordially, Lloyd Pancakes"
Don't threaten to terrorize my ass hole unless you have to wherewithal to back it up
Mother fucker. I'm a 30J now. I'm fucking speechless
she pinky promised me she was 18
thanks for celebrating my birthday so severely 2 years ago. i just found your hospital discharge papers in my closet.
anything for my little brother.
I told him I'd go cook him breakfast, but ended up passing out on the kitchen floor in the fetal position spooning the dog
Now if u will excuse me I have to go prep my vagina for this amazing sex filled weekend I'm about to encounter
It says a lot about the way my life is going right now that 'there's no shit in your house' is fucking good news.
The hotel had a helipad. Of course we had sex on it.
Don't you hate falling asleep on the couch with a glass of wine in your hand? It's like dreaming about peeing and then realizing you've peed the bed only stickier.
I had one beer! ONE BEER! They took shots in mourning of my tolerance last night. My ability to drink is a joke.
I'm about to eat a honey mustard chicken salad on the toilet while I try to shit. You really think I care about what "kind of guy he is?" The fuck out of here.
If you don't care, I don't. Good luck finding prince charming.
IM FILLED WITH SANDWICHES AND SELF LOATHING
We walked into the RA's room and he said "is that alcohol" and I screamed "IT'S WATER" and ran out and Vanessa slammed the door and started making out with him.
Randomize
