smell like capt'n and strawberry champagne
You keep asking me questions like I have this magical thing called a memory
Dear man in the lobby please go play whith yourself elsewhere
so whats your words to drink to for the state of the union? mine are 'change' 'fight' and 'you know'.
mine is 'the'.
you were so high that you made a 14 page PowerPoint on why Santa would beat Peter pan in a fight.
and I must say, you were very persuasive
Since when does a beard not count as proof of age at the liquor store?
He's having sex with his gf again. Every thump of his bed against the wall is insulting to our one night stand.
You were hanging upside down on the subway with your feet in the stirrup handle bars. the children were amused.
Exactly. Motivated vaginas are the best kind of vagina
The bachelorette started when I opened the door and they threw a few dozen dildos at me.
Apparently when your theatre teacher asks who the best actor of our time is, Nicolas Cage is not the right answer.
i chased my gummy vitamins with cold bacon, never say I don't take care of myself
I have an interview tomorrow! The couple we regularly swing with said I could use them as references. Winning
It's only ok to pee out the window in the afternoon when you're drunk.
Idk if I want to put a bra on
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