my mouth tastes like poor choices
Omg. There's def a kid, like 10 years old, sitting in a buggy at wal mart holding a sign that reads "I can't behave"
Last night we hooked up in nothing but out UK shirts during half time. Never say I'm not a dedicated fan again.
And whoever invented the condom should be put to death.
She left scratches down my back from her wedding ring. Her husband seems like a nice guy though, judging by the scratches it had to be at least a carat.
she's throwing a head of lettuce everywhere shouting HEADS UP and trying to get us to play catch with her. i'm scared.
The night was going well until I found tufts of my hair in the freezer. Then I got nervous
she is legit wearing a plastic bag around her neck as a necklace. she says it serves two purposes.
They evidently had to pull his penis out of me while we were passed out on the floor.
Out of desperation, I used the leftover sauce from my goat masala as a mixer for vodka shots.
I woke up tied to my bed while she was in the corner staring at me while eating cereal. Interesting night!
Well my unnaturally hairy chest finally came in handy. It took at least an hour to shave the american flag into my chest but I definitely went America all over that party
I'M OFFICIATING THIS WEDDING. HOLY SHIT.
The people around me on the bus dont know im wearing glowsticks under my clothes. I feel like a super hero.
shes rolling around in the floor yelling my vagina hates me
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