Successfully pulled the houdini tonight. Check that off my list.
fuck that im pissed. when I come back im ripping forskin off.
This morning is cloudy with a high chance of vomiting all over the dentist. Stay tuned for further updates.
You called him your tasty little crouton. Which actually wasn't the weirdest part.
He got punched in the face, dropped his laptop down a flight of stairs, and broke his roommate's lava lamp, getting all the toxic lava goo everywhere. This is why we don't let him get drunk. And yet here we are.
"Home for the holidays" isn't clearance to fuck the recently 18 year old high schooler right?
Nope, his last birthday was.
We now know how the night ended in arrest according to the flip camera I did 10 handle pulls and beer bonged a 40. My life choices are getting worse and worse this is your fault.
Please tell me there isn't another video of me on the toilet...
He found a way to charmingly ask me for a threesome and when I said no he made it sound like he was even happier. He's a fucking wizard
She leaned in close to me, made eye contact, and seriously whispered "I will eat your soul with bacon bits." I want whatever drug she was on.
We had sex on his grandparents floor... the taxidermy deer was staring at me the whole time!
Do you remember telling the Uber driver that "his cologne makes you want to bone"?
Woke up next to a half eaten Philly Cheesesteak. Honestly probably one of the top 3 things I've ever woken up next to.
I just bought a butt plug on Amazon prime day and you're the only person I felt would appreciate that decision
My mother expressed her concerns about my drinking via a facebook message.
Randomize
