I'm drunk at a fancy martini bar, wearing jeans, drinking cheap vodka that I brought in my purse. Got thrown out of court for using my cell phone. All in all calling Thursday a success.
Nothing better then your mother meeting someone you randomly had sex with and him introducing himself as the guy who rocked her world once.
winter break is gonna be like a weird mixture of rehab fat camp and holiday cheer.
Real friends wouldn't let me shotgun a 4loko after already seeing me trying to eat a girl out through her jeans.
sooo... you have no idea who nailed their tubesocks to my wall?
i'll get you drunk even if i have to inject alcohol into your arm through an IV
you're the only one i would trust to do that
I wanna take him on a special date, something that says I banged your brother but since he moved I want you
Sorry the STD update turned into an attempt at a bootycall, but at least we both know we're clean now
Never visiting again. You guys drink like immortals
Yes she scared me. She had NIPPLE CLAMPS ATTACHED TO A STUN GUN.
I'm at the level of despair that only Panda Express can fix
Got to work this morning and thought... Did I really dance on that pole last night
I think the reason she hasn't text me back is because I spanked her ass with Hulk Hands
1) Woke up alone with my bathing suit on inside out spooning an empty bottle of Jack, 2) get the fuck on to my level 3) please pick me up and bring a stuffed pony, some Oreo's and my pride...
You took the receipt and ate it. You then took it out and gave it to the waitress with slobber and holes all over it.
Randomize
