i might even pee on it at walmart i am so nervous
I say that when we get our grades back we're making a drinking game out of it.
Some guy seriously just got Jimmy Johns delivered to him at the graduation ceremony. This cannot be real life.
But he found my shoe...that at least deserves a handjob.
They reenacted the scene from the lion king where mufasa talked to simba from the clouds. As high as they were they got it word for word. There has to be an award for that.
Honestly I miss having a gay roommate. His female friends' implicit trust in him would carry over to me even though they knew Im straight. Best unintentional wingman ever.
I found a pair a guys underwear in my purse that has a British flag on it and says and I quote "British beef" what.the.fuck.
I understand why they say don't drink the water in Mexico... I just saw 5 guys piss upstream of where the bar tender went to get the water
okay i am so sorry that i pulled a knife on you last night but seriously that woman knows how to throw a party.
I caught myself flirting with clients today. Someone needs to take me to pound town before I self destruct. This is a code red. I repeat code red.
i may or may not be making depth charges with cough syrup. i'll call you if i survive.
It would have been nice to break the dry spell with nice, civilized, sober sex somewhere other than on my friend's couch.
For new year's, we should just keep our resolution simple and keep accomplishing burpees in heels.... while drunk.
He broke into my house because he missed me. Then ends the relationship because I'm the needy one. Ironic much?
You know what would have been funny if we got arrested last night? The inventory search of the lock box:\n\nContents:\n1 work ID\n1 33 round Glock magazine\n1 set of keys\n1 vibrator\n2 bags fruit snacks\n1 parking hang tag
Randomize
