Dude i fell asleep inside of her
thats awesome
just so you know, the whole club saw your tits last night. and booed.
You kept hiding marshmallows in the freezer saying "they would never think to look here"
you dont publicly announce someones alcholism over facebook. you dont out someone like that.
There I was staring at a teeny weeny black one and a huge white one. It was like an episode of Myth Busters
Pretty sure I just became the first person ever to use the word "boner" in a wedding card...
Our dealer is pledging my frat. When he come to sell me weed I make him take out the garbage.
Judging by the crutches in the living room I take it you two are fine and we aren't going out tonight?
I fell asleep on the floor again. i dont want help, just a pillow. its kind of nice down here.
He put his name in my phone as David Hot Guy With Tattoos and I fell in love because that's what I was going to change his name to anyways
You could see the bone sticking out of his shin and he insisted he was "just gunna walk it off"
I was so close to going to get my nipples pierced with my mom today
Don't come back. They don't have pants.
Oh god.
God has nothing to do with this.
I'm really sorry I bit your mom last night, it was completely uncalled for.
There are only a few things more freaky than wandering around a zoo drunk.
Randomize
