Dude, I was completely sober last night, didn't puke on my shoes, went home with an incredibly beautiful girl, wore a condom, and didn't wake up in a puddle of urine this morning.
hah, sarcasm, classic
So I went home with some chick last night... I'm not sue what's worse: not getting a nut at 5am, the condom breaking and not being replaced, feeling poo when I put my finger in her but, sleeping on a heroin mattress in her living room, her swine flu coughing fit at 7am or realizing she peed the matt at 10am. Actually it was probably the fact that she continuously told me she was the classiest girl in boulder.
That girl would be way hotter if she changed her face.
I am not a stalker...i just bring a whole new meaning to the word love
He said he wouldn't use a condom because he didn't want to kill anymore trees.
I'm sneaking you alcohol into a hospital. This either says love or "we have a problem"
Made out with a chick in front of a girl I'm banging and successfully reDENNISed her within 9 hours
Bring one of those heart stabber things in case you go into shock. I'll jab you.
I drew a giraffe.. But she did say that bumped that test up from a 39 to a 40. It's the little things.
He peed my bed and tried to say it was just the wine. The red wine. On white sheets. He's not a good liar.
There. Isnt. A. Single. Person. Who. Is. Not. High. At. Church.
How was the party
I came home with only one shoe, a t shirt tied around my shoeless foot and I was covered in motor oil. Oh and my shorts were inside out. So you tell me
It's really hard to tweet with a pussy in your face demanding attention.
so i was about to call you for your birthday but then i started making out with this guy... and i feel bad but i felt like you'd understand
If waffles and beer don't scream "fuck me!" then I don't know what else to do.
Randomize
