My grandmother just called to say she disowned me. Apparently I uploaded a video to Youtube of me dancing nude with a blow-up doll named Dorothy, last night. You are so fired from being damage control.
Ok I can't be your drugdealer AND booty call AND friend. It just doesn't work that way
She said her first boyfreind was so small she is still technically a virgin.
halloween is SO much better on drugs, why didn't anyone let us know about this when we were kids
I stayed at the bar and helped clean up cause I was told I'd get free shots. Didn't happen.
Guys, I'm sleeping in the BOYNTON LAUNDRY ROOM. if you can, come let me out in the morning as I have no keys. I might be in the study room possibly. DON'T FORGET. I will be trapped
She just kept saying "bless your heart" to him while he cried because he came so fast. I think a Texas woman was just what he needed
it would be so handy to have a fax machine attached to my body
I wish I could understand how you function in society
When you sober up and come in here, I'm in your bed because you pissed on me in mine. So fuck. Off.
So I'm not dead, but close call. I think I can handle one more bar.
I had to hypnotize my roommate last night so there's that.
I don't know. I wanna do you but I also want a cheeseburger.
A boy just offered to come over and help me clean my house. I hope you are more successful than he will be tonight.
Did you really have to freak out and get up half way through to put the cat in the closet?
...
I went to my AA meeting last night. My drug dealer is now my counselor.
Randomize
