The best part was that when I woke up, I poked her with my dick to wake her up, and said, "Hi, I'm Alex. Nice to meet you". Shoulda seen the look on her face. Priceless.
Instead of centeral air we are getting a margaritaville machine. Thought you would enjoy our logic
Can u please come get me. My car keys are gone. Somehow I ended up sleeping in my trunk
I only wish the guy being lead around by his cock at the drag show was the weirdest part of my night.
I mean nobody wants to admit they ate 9 cans of ravioli but i did and i am not ashamed of myself
I hope after we constantly bang for 2 days straight we can agree to be friends again
I just heard a 350 lb guy with a stutter describe getting blood in his eye as he was shanking his cellmate and, more generally, how to survive as a white guy in jail.\n\nYou should really consider going to some AA meetings
Yeah! I was just fired because there was an over hire and the new girl is hotter than me. Seeing as how the new girl is my baby sister I think punching my manager is excusable.
Why is there soup literally in every orifice of my body?
The security deposit's gone, let's trash this motherfucker
You're 21st was epic. I woke up at 6 a.m. on the floating beer pong table in the pool with a beer still in hand. Didn't even spill any
Yeah I ended up covered in the mud by the end, in a lady bug golf cart that was blasting jazz music with a dead phone
He told me he needed "space" but then goes and likes my insta of panacakes.. Done.
I've been rehabbing my soul with cheese and wine lately
I fucked his roommate. And that roommate's best friend. And my roommate. And my roommate's old roommate.
i'm bowing down, but slow your roll.
Randomize
