Remember that time I came into your room after taking a muscle relaxant and we argued about what state has the longest coastline?
im insabelyl wasted and diont know if ill yexyed tou. call me
Theres a note on my antibiotics that says "Do not chew or crush. Swallow whole." I think that would be a good tattoo for just above my penis.
she was puking into the toilet drowning herself saying "its okay im a swimmer"
Maybe we should try and tone it down a notch. The neighbors changed the name of their wifi network to "i can hear you having sex".
I was informed last night that im not allowed to pick up the bouncers and carry them around anymore. Last sat is starting to make more sense
I'm sitting at my desk looking through our payroll system photos to find my next boyfriend. Abuse of power or awesome?
It's like I'm snorkeling in an ocean of tequila.
I would seriously fuck her so hard, her contacts would pop out of her eyes.
Just peed off a cliff while playing white snake on my phone. Close enough?
Lol yeah. Because I just woke him up to blow him for being hot.
It turned from Netflix and chill to cringeworthy YouTube videos and chill. At least he's honest.
Its almost 1 am and u wanna get together and cry naked
i dont think sending her flowers will make her forgive you running over her foot.
Drinking wine while working. Yay.
Just had sex at the YMCA.
We are so productive today.
Randomize
