When I meet a new girl, I'm terrified of mentioning something she hasn't already told me but that I have learned from some light internet stalking.
Im telling you now. Hang out with winning football players and you get whatever the hell you want. Sorry to wake you. But its important knowledge.
he let me duct tape his mouth because i said it was my fetish, i really just wanted him to shut up
DONT TAKE THE KEG OUT OF THE HOT TUB I NEED A PICTURE OF ME DOING A KEG STAND ON IT
This is the prime rib incident all over again
I just noticed she took the "toys" too. That's how you know when it's really over.
I wonder what my nutrition professor is going to think when I have to put 21 keystone lights, a bottle of merlot wine, and 5 rum and cokes and 4 shots of tequila on my dietary analysis
He thought he was drowning because he was drinking water and intentionally holding his breath. Dear god what did you get me in to.
Oh and now he's calling me Brohammed Ali.
Ohhhh sweet! I may be down for that. I'll be a german beer girl probably passed out on a park bench somewhere.
Yeah when we were together he never sent me dick pics like a normal boyfriend. It was always pizzas. That should've been my sign.
Woohoo! Instead of a pregnancy test you can buy me a burrito
Went to the lab to print and realized the guy next to me was the one we stole all the beer from last night..... Oops
Don't do him, he's a Dolphins fan! A FUCKING DOLPHINS FAN!
Oh BTW the next time I see you I don't care where we are your dick will be going into some part of my body.
Great, now I'm picturing myself as a fucking garden gnome
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