I'm drunk in f*****g wisconsin and want to kill myself.
If it's any consolation, be grateful that you're not in New Jersey.
Jake died.
WTF????????? That's how you tell me????
Oops typo. Jake cried.
i was so high last night that i actually googled "how to get un high"
if you ask that question again our friendship is over
No, we ended up finding him drunk at a bus stop downtown sitting on the bench asking people for chocolates and amazing stories to "rid his mind of his whore of a girlfriend"
He just said "I made some changes in my life. The male g-spot is in the rectum and I wanted to explore that."
Dude, this old lady messaged me on Facebook talking about her grandson and wanted to know shit about me. I'd almost call her a cougar except she looks like mashed potatoes that have come alive.
theres a kid face down in the middle of campus... people are going about their day and paying no attention to him
You don't have a penis so I'm not texting you at this hour. This is penis texting hour only.
You started throwing frozen shot glasses at people and you kept saying "it's fine, they melt."
Just made out with a girl I dated in high school, and she told me her girlfriend likes me. I like where this is going.
official rule: if your drunk, it doesn't count
then nothing in my life counts
She was purple for Halloween. She literally spray-painted herself purple and called it a costume. It won't come off.
Just got shoved by an Elvis impersonator. Evidently it isn't cool to ask how much of a disappointment they are in the eyes of their parents.
You know how I said I'd never worry about my roommate? Well I just walked in on her masturbating to Star Trek.
Did she boldly cum where no one has cum before?
No Bryan wants to get drunk, rub inappropriate dudes legs, talk about my vagina and send me pics of his boomerang dick. That's not how you watch basketball.
That's how he does EVERYTHING!
Randomize
