remember that time i ran away from the bar and passed out in a street cot?
neither do i
i just saw a homeless guy running after a pigeon, catch it and put it in his jacket pocket. I'm not sure if the bird is now his pet or dinner!
Omg. Well, welcome to Oakland...
If I were a woman I'd fill my water bra with liquor so that I could sip on it throughout the day.
He wouldnt stop screaming that he wanted a trashcan WITH a lid. Whats so necassary about a lid
the last time i saw him was an hour he was floating face down in a pool... but i'm sure he's fine.
I'm questioning the dried chocolate syrup on my tits.
you are not my drinking buddy, you are my drinking enemy.
Guy just came in wearing only shorts, on his hand was written - my name is ... Call ... And tell them where i am, thanx - in permanent marker, ordered his favorite dish, and left w/out touching it. It's snowing outside.
He woke up in a dragon costume, covered in bong water. That was a party we will regret missing.
My parents just told me that if I stop drinking I could do something great with my life...
They obliviously haven't seen you dance on top of a pool table then
I just heard myself say the sentence "I'm gonna go to the bank then take a nap". 8 year old me just slapped my present self through the space-time continuum for being an old fuck.
Now everytime I sit on a toilet I think about having sex with him. Great.
When are your genitals available?
I'm in the liquor store and fucking "Wannabe" by the Spice Girls is playing. IM ALREADY ASHAMED OF MY REASON FOR BEING HERE, GIVE ME A BREAK.
We had an argument over whether or not she had super strength. She settled it by dragging me to the bed room and throwing me on the bed. Then forcefully fucking me. She won the argument.
Randomize
