Blackberries need to come with a feature that disables texting to certain numbers after 2am based on content. liek disabling texting to 'dad' containng the words 'lets try to find more blow.'
I think I just saw the silver monkey from legends of the hidden temple sitting out in someone's trash
GO. BACK. NOW.
You said you wanted to go to louisiana and get arrested by Steven segal
He told me that he wishes our relationship was more like prison: less touching, more butt sex.
He handled me like a finger puppet on crack... Time to ice the vagina, I'd like to sit down sometime today.
Just had a horrible realization. I've fucked a guy with a webbed foot AND a guy with a third nipple.
so hungover. i just puked at the sight of the beer emoticon you sent me.
She told me her last name, which as you know is my #1 turn-off.
HE WAS DRESSED LIKE A FISHERMAN AND HE WAS LIKE OH SHIT I THINK I JUST FOUND THE DEADLIEST CATCH i couldnt not go for it my honour compelled me
last thing I remember is yelling 'sit on my face' through a traffic cone
I feel like people expect me to always be a sarcastic, shade throwing drunk. And you know me, I hate to disappoint.
and then she sorta stared at me like "holy shit" and I looked down and my dog was licking her ass
Ruff night.
That has got to be a joke. No human eats that much grass and lives to tell the tale.
That's nice of you to be concerned, but I'm pretty confident I'll marry someone 30 years older than me, ride out being the trophy wife for 10 or 15 years, then live large!
Sadly my Summer of Cocks is coming to an end
Randomize
