If it makes you feel any better I'm plucking my mustahce and drinking. Alone.
If I were a hot girl. I'd whore around, I'd be awesome.
I just don't understand how my upright asian catholic roommate is getting more than me.
you insisted on breathalizing me with a inhaler.
If I had a motorized wheelchair, I'd just chase the squirrels on campus all day.
Oh wait looks like my cousin is getting deported THERE'S HOPE FOR THIS CHRISTMAS YET
He autographed my vag. This fuck just got authentic.
I think it's time for a new pick up line. So far my " hey you want to go back to my place, order a pizza and fuck?" Has set me at an all time low downtown 0/4
So, in keeping with the last two years, are we going to watch the new Hobbit movie on acid again? It's kinda starting to feel like a Christmas tradition.
That awkward moment when you realize that last night you walked from in n out to petco, bought a mouse for $3, named it mogar, taught it how to skateboard on a techdeck, made it a home out of a trash can, fed it fruity pebbles and cheese, and then forgot where you left it.
I’ve lost count of how many disciplines of science this conversation about Harry Potter has gone through.
Sooo, my mother is snoring, my ex is sexting me, the guy I'm having an affair with is sending me dick pics, and all I want to do is sleep!
I just remembered that I insisted everyone watch porn together last night.
I trusted a fart in Toronto. NEVER TRUST A FART IN TORONTO.
I honestly have no desire to wear clothes around you
I have that affect on people
Randomize
