walked into a party last night, i saw 3 ex gfs standing in a circle talking to each other...that's the quickest u-turn i've ever made in my life.
yeah. you were just sitting there watching transformers, caressing your toaster.
I'm drinking straight vodka and railing lines of adderall while writing a paper about the nature of Jesus. It's 6:50 in the morning. College.
Is there a particular reason why everyone is now calling you Butt Doctor?
Also, my phone suggested the phrase “puke in the mailbox" how many times have I had the need to text that to people?
Did we seriously just get into a fist fight over kit kats?
You drunkenly promised dick pics on your way out the door and then never delivered. I don't know how I'll ever be able to trust you again.
My dry spell starts kindergarten this fall...
They grow up so fast.
I woke up in a front yard I didn't recognize to a grandma tapping me with her foot. What was in that punch?
He ain't mine yet. Gotta have a third date before I pee on him and mark territory.
Oh. Wait. That happened on the second date.
I pay 3K a month for rent, yet last nite I broke into the back of my building, scaled over 2 tons of garbage in heels and took a dirty freight elevator to my floor just so my doorman wouldn't see how fucked up I was
U know ur prob on camera right?
chasing tequila with frosting. best baby shower ever.
There's a pregnant girl taking shots of apple juice
when i woke up with rugburns on the tops of my feet, knees, and chin i was a little confused. and then i remembered i had sex with him in his friends walk in closet.
Stacy was in the bathroom puking, so he peed out the window. We were eight stories up.
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