Just saw a cop issuing a DUI. At 3 pm. It's definitely the start of winter break.
he took off my shirt and said 'oh my god the legends are true'
I woke up at 4am on the couch with half my clothes on. And by half my clothes I mean my earrings.
i dont know what to do
with your life?
no, with my silly bandz, im already wearing 3
Note to self: don't jizz on a surface cleaned with Tilex. It WILL turn purple.
There are dudes in kilts outside my window practicing fire breathing with cheap vodka and a modified grill lighter. I thought you should know.
It's a long way off yet but I've started planning my eviction party. Be prepared, it includes jungle juice.
no, that was the night I slathered your dick in the icing from my birthday cake
I feel like I have African malaria. I just remembered singing Teenage Dream in full to that biker couple at the bar.
Basically as long as the fan is pointed at my vagina i can cool off enough to sleep.
Front seat of an Escalade in a limo-service parking lot. That is all.
I just found out via Facebook that my old dorm room is now the free condom distribution room on campus...IT'S LIKE THE UNIVERSE KNOWS!
he's so sweet and its so cute. but I swear to fuck if I let my guard down and this was all a lie I am going to become a serial killer.
so I think we need to change lawn care services...the guy woke me up by the pool while I was naked...told me he already picked up all the beer cans for us and gave me his number for the next time we party...
Psssh like you wouldn't lick BBQ sauce off my nipples.
Randomize
