Stars make me really horny. Especially that shiny one its just staring at me.
i cant be the least bit upset about his new gf cause all i think is that she has to put things in his ass
better question... why wasnt i wearing a cape the previous 20 years of my life???
I can't be drunk. Sober yes. Drunk no. Spoonfuls
Some mysterious chinese delivery man dropped off 2 free egg rolls. Clutch
I assume you will show your seat mates your vibrating cock ring.
FYI, your girlfriend is on her way to the ER. She tried to balance a bottle of jack on her chest. Smashed toes, blood all over patio. Call her, kinda funny though.
Found a piece of twizzler in my buttcrack.
I got so drunk at the hockey game I bought everyone behind me in concession line a funnel cake.
Fuckin wine wasted last night. Found my pants in the toilet this morning.
And then I fed you egg rolls in bed as you were screaming I'm moving out
I'm counting my small victories this morning. For instance, I haven't puked at work yet.
I would like to formally reclaim my title of a turn up queen.
I need to just embrace dildos and cats and call it a life.
I think I had sex with a seagull last night. The window is open and there a feathers everywhere.
Randomize
