***** fucked a guy with one hand last night
NEWSFLASH - my freind is drunk and admitted that he hates having sex with dogs. should i help him or let him be??
He also left me a wonderful voice mail..... and is now asking me where the planters peanut guy is.
You should probably go find him.
LMAO!!! just remembered you said this to me last night. "sometimes you post too many Jesus tweets. It's not that that's really bad... But I roll my eyes and you should know that."
I was drunk but it's true
Do the low cut shirt test. If he stares at your tits even in front of your brother, he's down.
You were spitting chewed up pretzle into my hands telling me to hold it for you.
Clearly he doesn't understand my need to be surrounded by cats at all times
I just banged two guys while dressed like an angel. I love this holiday.
I'm crying, drinking alone and applying for jobs tonight. I figure the alcohol will lower my job standards.
Where the hell did all of these gingers come from? It's like they crawled out of their shame-caves for st Patrick's day.
I'm not a home wrecker but if one more married man with a yacht asks me to go scuba diving I'm NOT saying no
just had sex on top of a camper looking at the stars, BEAT THAT.
I just shaved my "bikini area" into a fucking pizza slice
The time to say "now you can't go and be strange about this at work" is not as you are penetrating your coworker. NOW its awkward
And if you haven't kicked a pigeon you haven't started your morning right
My ex-wife, who I haven't heard from since the divorce, just Amazoned me cherry flavored massage oil and a rainbow caps with the message "Happy Pride". What's the polite response?
Randomize
