i just woke up and its 10 o'clock and the words "Robbies Fave Restraunt" and written in sharpie above my vage. Help me.
i just woke up naked on my porch, holding the neighbors cat in my arms.
Just drove past a church with a sign near it that said, "God wants to be your daddy."
What's the wine called that we really like and we usually drink it with xanax?
It's ok I'm watering my plants with a 40 in my camelback, people are staring
Note to self: last nights makeup does NOT, under ANY circumstances, look good today.
well I was pissed. first he yelled at me for having my own condoms, then he got mad when they didn't fit him. Dude, I only fuck magnum men.
He leaned over in the middle of the movie and said "My dick's name is Juan". WHO DOES THAT?
I wonder how your parents would feel if the scarf they gave me for Christmas is mainly being used for a blindfold during sex...
The thing about being single is like Sunday morning sex is nice but so is Sunday morning eating Nutella from the jar in your underwear
Hey, if a dude can't randomly belt out Whitney Houston tunes from time to time, is life really worth living??
You should come over tomorrow. Wine, pizza and my vagina. Those are all great things.
While strippers were eating ones out of my boobs, several sources claimed trump shared classified info with the russians. We should get hammered on Mondays more often, bitch.
How high do u want to get? Just kind of high or yelling at swans high...
Swans
You ever have a fart follow you around?
Randomize
