On the way home from Florida I threw up at the beginning border and ending border of 6 states. You win this year Spring Break.
Yes, you did come over last night. You also tried to give my dog a blowjob. You got rejected.
I smelled my fingers after she left and they smelt like sugar cookies. I want that one again.
I should take him calling me "a freak of nature" after sex as a compliment, right??
I mean, I know going to rehab probably didn't make her a lesbian, but I can always hope
the potatoes in the margarita machine wasn't the breaking point. its when he turned on the stove and put a bunch of bottle rockets on it that i knew the night had prematurely failed
NEVER PUT A LIT CIGARETTE BEHIND YOUR EAR
Would it be a good deed to leave a 32 pack of bud light next to a bum sleeping in the park?
id like to think im the only pot dealing prostitute that is also an ordained minister. but maybe not. what a time to be alive
I worked all year for this tax return. I deserve to get my nipples pierced.
After the day I've had, I can't decide if donuts or fireball would be the appropriate priority.
Nah, i wasn't offended. Having a bridesmaid who you had had multiple threesomes with your future husband would be weird.
the cops drove by and you were on your back in the middle of the side walk with your arms and legs in the air yelling that you were a dead bug .
Also I literally googled "how to fold socks" so that's how my day is going. How's yours?
You said you made a new recipe, but it turned out you just cooked ramen with vodka instead of water.
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