Deadliest Catch is NOT foreplay
The one night I bring a girl home you leave the footloose soundtrack playing.
tequila makes her clothes fall off
wow Mom, sounds like youre having a good time
You owe me a new pair of headphones. You plugged mine into the top of a mustard bottle.
That's the second time in a week someone has called me to talk drunk you into getting up off the floor. This needs to stop.
he may be homeless but his dick however is not... anymore.
Just saw the ex while I was at CVS at 3am buying Depends for my heavy flow
Can I even tell you how badly I want a day that is just on and off napping and sex with intermittent snack breaks? Because I want that day very badly.
I have never seen a more amazing text message in my entire life.
There's nothing quite like having a little 8 year old boy hand me a Bible on campus while I'm on my way to the health center because of my recent slutty tendencies.
reason #326 why I'm still single.... my date just told me there's a little boy ghost that lives in his closet because he likes his music.
There's not really an emoticon that says "I'm sorry I honked your boobs, and that you weren't a fan of that."
Sorry I didn't call this morning. Ended up with a decorated war veteran last night who besides finding the enemy, KNEW where the fuck my G spot was. He gets a medal in my book!
I only have sex with you to have a memory to masturbate to.
woke up to two girls crawling on top of me forcefeeding me bacon. Best. Hangover. Ever.
I’m calling dibs!
You can’t call dibs on dick. That’s free range dick. May the best vagina win!
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