i wanted to sleep on a waterbed so i filled up my bathtub so i could fall asleep in it...
i wish my apartment had room service that i didn't have to pay for.
when i came out to my mom, it was over brunch. i was eating a banana. not exactly my smartest breakfast choice.
He was sitting on the bathroom floor, swirling his finger in the toilet singing the Laguna Beach theme song. I don't know whether to laugh or help him.
They had to restock the bar 3 times before midnight. There is a bridesmaid dress hanging in a tree outside.
81 degrees in april.... Thinking margaritacicles, you in?
How much did you drink?
Enough to be hungover and still think roller coasters were a good idea
Multiple bruises and a hell of a headache later, I have still to find out where the fuck I picked up the bottom half of a mannequin.
like i literally can feel my uterus getting frustrated at me for not being pregnant.
I've got a 90 day supply of amoxicillin in case of zombie or chlamydia outbreak
Yeah plus that night got so disgusting it's basically a repressed memory anyway
You're not talking any sense into me. You're cheering me on to disaster.
... is that not half the reason I'm your best friend in the first place?
Don’t fucking talk to that dude from monday!! Ethical consumption dude, don’t fuck shitty guys
Just motorboated this 18 year old girl at the bar. The first time was my idea the other 3 she made me. Maybe turning 27 won't be so bad. Haha.
I'm legitimately the first person in the United States to successfully shave their balls with a Razer Blade of a sword and fully admitt it. I'm honestly smoother then a 10 year old.
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