so the situation is a+b=c where "a" is how much you weight, "b" is my gravitational pull, and "c" is how erect your penis is.
i wonder if she has dreads down there too...
I just found 51 cents in my bed. Did you leave me a tip?
Ordered my mom Mother's Day flowers online and moved on to internet porn. Do you think this is some sort of Freudian slip?
i don't know how the hand towel got involved, but i peed all over it
You just kept saying "they don't make cigarettes for squirrels. Yet."
sorry can't. you know Saturday is the masturbating day for single sorority girls here.
Dear awkwardly drunk roommate, thanks for stuffing enough change in my clevage that I could afford a pepsi at work today. Sincerely awesome roommate that put up with your drunk ass
There was so much jailbait at the festival that there was no other option but to drink my morals away
When we were done he got down next to the bed and I thought he was Tebowing. He was hitting a bong that he had already loaded and hidden under the bed.
Can I come by? I want you to meet my squirrel
It's my birthday weekend! I'm getting a Brazilian and he's going to fucking Arkansas. Where the fuck are his priorities?
Listening to sad Lana Del Rey songs together is an integral part of the lesbian bonding process
He's just been a dick since he set his face on fire. I just wanted to eat a fucking hot dog.
But what is a man profited, if he should gain Joe Biden and lose Alex Trebek?
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