I woke up (not at home) to find out I kissed Ryan Caberra, flashed for free gumbys and carried around an inflatable moose named Johnson. Great success.
I won't drink with you again until you promise to not feed me anymore paper bags
Yehhhaaww I'm way ahead of you. I'm gunna get her a card that says " I'm sorry your now ex boyfriend decided to upgrade"
Dad had me doing shots of chocolate mint Everclear last night. I've never felt closer to him.
Our relationship is representative of a cognitive bias that leads to bad decision making and misplacement of resources. So should we pick up some whiskey tomorrow?
Sometimes I think I'm witty and funny, and then I realize it 3pm and I'm drunk
I rolled joints beforehand. Lit a candle. Ghetto rigged taping the 40's on my hands and then lit the joint using the flame of the candle.
I'm so proud of your modern ingenuity
He referred to our sex as being similar to "Two cheetahs cage fighting" and I have to agree.
EW HE JUST SNAPPED ME A NUDE BUT HE CENSORED HIS DICK BY COLORING IT I DID NOT ASK FOR THIS
I bet, I woke up to you like naked at 4 in the morning shoving a sandwich in your face
He posted a picture from Senor Frogs. I don't remember where that bikini came from and my sombrero is PERPENDICULAR. Safe to say it was one hell of a day
I just watched my ex butt chug a quart of eggnog. Why did I dump her again?
There comes a point where there's just condoms and old mcdonalds in your garbage can and you can't tell if you've won or lost.
this dude is way too smart. he just explained to me the different scientific components of drugs while we smoked. i said i loved icecream.
Totes just ripped ass and the bartender's eyes got wet
Randomize
