We just followed a woman home because she looked like Jeff Goldblum. Turns out she lives in a trailer park.
I'm convinced that Kathy Griffin and Andy Dick are the same person...
So I just bought underwear that says "I'm taken." Just know that when I cheat on my bf with you, that's what I'm wearing
does it count as cheating if I'm bettering him for his girlfriend?
It was one of those "I have no idea if this will ever happen again so I can't say no" opprotunities. Part of me was like, "You slut" and the bigger part was screaming, "Hell yeah"
he quoted the bible to break up with me
no, that was the night I slathered your dick in the icing from my birthday cake
I tried...failed..now im naked on the futon since clothes are hard.
Does the room smell any better?
Yeah, i sprayed perfume. It smells like Victoria's Secret, if Victoria's secret was that she was homeless.
Needless to say, I woke up on the bathroom floor wearing the dress that my mom wore to the wedding. That open bar stole my soul.
Am I supposed to confront my 52-year-old boss/mother of 3 about the fact that we matched on Tinder?
Hey, it's all about finding the bright side. And boobs are definitely a bright side.
"Accidentally" bump into him after class.
I'm gonna "accidentally" put his dick in my mouth.
If more people understood that brunch is at 3pm the world would be a better place because you don't have to wake up early. Breakfast food is important
For a second I thought that you were becoming a decent person again. I am glad I was wrong.
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