i have nine cents in my fucking bank account... not even a dime
I miss Bob Barker.
Yeah, more like Douche Carey...
there are seriously like six guinea pigs in my bathtub right now
new level of vanity: sex dreams about deep throating myself...
Woke up with pink eye in both my eyes. That's how the threesome went
She just drank the vanilla extract. Again. AGAIN. No one should be that eager to get drunk.
Found out why I didn't have to go drug test. My boss grew pot to pay for grad school.
Oh my god. I just RAN OVER a child. Oh my god this isnt my day. That kid was cool as fuck though
If I could drive and get you Starbucks I would... But that's probably not a good idea. On account of the drugs.
There were grown college boys running around north campus in capes with nerf guns. If security were to be called I think they would just give them more beer.
I woke up this morning half naked, smelling like an ash tray, with an empty bottle of jack next to me, and now someone named Dora the anal explorer is texting me.
I recently had a rabies scare because I thought putting socks on my hands to pick up a squirrel that got in my house was a good idea.
I just shit my bed. Go ahead and make your 40 year old incontinence jokes now.
I apparently tried to wax off my nipples.This explains the pain
He ate me out in a golf cart while I watched the sunset. You are so right, golf skirts do provide amazing access.
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