Well if yoir are still awake and secided to drink... You may aswell drink
That text needs to switch to water.
Not sure what happened last night, but there are four mini bikes outside and some guy is wearing my shirt passed out in the breakfast nook. Won't be telling the grand kids about this one.
Squirrels and blue jays and dove-like things. They're just frolicking around in my backyard. I wanna be like them.
So I'm about to go to his house and have "I'm really sorry for cheating on you last night" sex
"must pass the hog line" should not only be used in curling. but also when we go out to pick up girls.
You tried to convince our cab driver that your $2 bill was worth $11.70
according to the woman who took my blood today, i have "party veins"
I don't know the quality of the hand jobs you've received in the past but it CLEARLY was not one from me
Finally considering to keep my landing strip before I have sex.. I feel like It makes me look mature.
Scratch one off the douchebag bucket list. Just saw a guy in a sesame street tshirt and a tap out hat. Didn't get the memo that big bird's trying to get into mma.
Just walked into McDonald's and a bunch of fat girls gave me a look like I just entered their territory.
THIS TIME TOMORROW MY VAG IS GONNA BE BRAND SPANKING NEW.
Super stoned right now. And I stared at my exit, thought to myself "hey self. That is your exit" and I kept driving right past it.
We're about to play the try not to vom at the president's house game...
I warned you. Don't come crying to me when your vagina refuses to forgive you for this.
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