and in the morning, while we were eating breakfast, she was all " i think someone sneezed into my shirt..." she'll never know.
my boob sweat smells like rotting zombie flesh
is this your pickup line?
OMG - This guy with a mullet just told me - it wasn't a mullet - but his hair dresser layered it wrong. It's so walmart in here. I hate you.
I don't care where my tongue is but i t's going to be in all the pictures.
There are not one, but two women wearing my boxers on the couch right now. You need to wake the fuck up.
You were fucking on a porch at a party, not much privacy should be expected
Saw you fall down on Jefferson and a cop drove by and shook his head. How you didnt get arrested after the party you went to on saturday is beyond me.
i'm going as a slutty football player, and all night i'll drunkily whisper "id love to catch your balls." into random strangers ears.
Question: trumpet bong. Can it work.
It's def pee. WHY DO I PEE ON THINGS WHEN I DRINK TEQUILA
I just smoked by myself in my childhood bedroom, how happy does it seem I am to be home for Christmas?
Blow jobs in the hobby lobby parking lot, oh lawd there gonna pray for me when they review those tapes ...
Trying to figure out why my back is hurting. And then I remember I got fucked up against a tree last night
I've been trying to masturbate for the longest time now and so far I've accomplished getting tangled in my computer battery cord and phone charger and hitting my knee on my laptop.
Dick pics just aren’t doing it for me, this bowl of Mac n cheese and Game of Thrones trump you tenfold
Randomize
