he let me duct tape his mouth because i said it was my fetish, i really just wanted him to shut up
He doesn't make grammatical errors. Even while getting head.
Birthday Coupon: This text is good for alteast 3 hours of Birthday Sex. Redeamable any time, anywhere, and any style.
My dream of liquor pitchers came true
i'm sure god appreciates how great my boobs look during this fine christmas eve mass
Apperanlty I was screaming "It's hard to swim with a broken ankle sir" and then tackled the lifeguard. The joys of blackouts
Dangr zzzzzzzzone
I just took a shower and found half a cookie melted under my boob. Please tell me there's a reason
Tornado booty call.. dedication
We're all getting matching jack daniels tattoos. We're gonna be an alcoholic gang of awesome.
You thought you were drunk? I woke up at 6 o'clock this morning with a cheeseburger in my left hand a drink in my right with my window half way down. it was raining.... fml
He had a small dick anyway. I'm glad I barfed on it.
I'm drunk listening and crying to Selena. How's your Monday?
How so I keep attracting the virgins? HOW?
You talk about your love for your ninja turtle onesie when you're drunk. Are you really surprised?
I asked what it takes to be a good delivery driver, my new boss said "always keep these in your vehicle" as he handed me a flashlight and a blunt. I'm going to like this job.
Randomize
